Christmas 2011

Dear Beth,

As Christmas approaches, I miss you more each day. I remember past years when you were little and you looked forward to Santa coming to bring you toys. You wanted dolls or Barbies. One year you wanted a motorized Barbie jeep and the next a bike. Then all the sudden you didn't believe any longer, you were all grown up, but you kept the dream alive for Ben. Now I don't know if you are sharing that love with your own children or not. I wish things were different for us, I wish we could go back to those wonderful carefree days. I wish we could at least be friends again. I am sorry for all that has happened, I want to change things and at least try to be your mother again. I am trying to change my ways and stay out of my children's lives and let them live them the way they want to live them. I wish you and Derek all the best!! I love you and always will!!

Love,

Mom

Thanksgiving 2011

Dearest Beth,

As we prepare for Thanksgiving I wish more than anything that we could patch up our differences. I wish you and I could say we are sorry for all the horrible things we have said to each other. We are mother and daughter, we do love each other and always will, we should remember that. We should be Thankful that we have each other to lean on in hard times and that we are there to support each other we no one else will.

I will always remember your first breath, first steps, first words, first every tooth, first everything! At least I will try to remember as long as I can, as long as God and my mind will allow me to remember..LOL! I wish you nothing but happiness your entire life. Please try to think back to when you were young and remember me with joy at times.

LOVE ALWAYS!!

MOM

Halloween 2011

Dear Beth,

As we celebrate Halloween today, I am thinking of past years, how much fun it was to dress you up in costumes and take you trick or treating. The years you went as a princess or some other cartoon character or maybe a cheerleader! You always had so much fun choosing what you wanted to be and dressing yourself when you could. I loved when you were younger and I could choose for you, but it was even more fun when you helped me, that was a time when we got to work together. I loved taking you and your brothers out in the evenings, holding your hands, helping with the heavy, candy filled bags, and listening to your voices as your said "trick or treat". I would give anything to go back in time to those carefree days!

I hope when you are a parent you will enjoy those days to their fullest! I wish you nothing but the very best and hope one day we can be happy again. Remember I do love you!

Love,

Mom

Once Again....

Dear Elizabeth,

Once again I have let you hurt me to the core! I got an email from you last night with the subject "LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!". Upon seeing this my heart sank! After not hearing from you for over four months and only hearing news about you from two people, to see this I was devastated. Then to read "there was no reason to here from you, stop asking everyone how you are, I didn't care how you were in the first place why now?, don't worry about my wedding plans go help your real daughter Brittany, I have a wonderful supportive family here I do not need you guys!, stop asking about me stop thinking about me stop even wondering about me, if you were a truly concerned parent you would email me, leave me out of your life!, just wait you're gonna get what comes to you to for not helping with my schooling, do not take pride in me going to school I did it on my own without you!!", I was even more devastated, I was crying, no sobbing.

As I wrote my reply to you, I was calm, I tried to be loving and explain without lashing out like I really wanted too. I wanted to explain how much I was hurt but also how much I loved you and how much I just wanted to come down to Trinidad and take you in my arms and tell you how sorry I was for not calling, texting or emailing you all those months. But at the same time, I wanted to knock some sense into you, to make you see that just because I did not contact you that did not mean I did not love you, it meant I was trying to give you the room you wanted, the room you had asked for to spread your wings. The space to grow, to learn, to become the woman you felt I had stifled for so long. To become a woman who needed to learn how to live her life the way she wanted to live it. But I know that I can't knock any sense into to you, you have to grow into that woman yourself. No one can force you to see what your life should be but you yourself. And no one can make you see what your Dad and I have done for you and how much we love you!! Only time will tell!

Mom

Birthdays

Dear Elizabeth,

Recently we celebrated two birthdays without you, Ben's and Papaw's. Wish you had been here! Your brother turned 19 and began the last of his teen age years, what a milestone. He is doing very well at College America, he is studying Graphic Arts and really seems to like it. He plans to get his Associates degree then enlist in the Army, something he has wanted to do for a long time. Something James has wanted to do also and is planning to do after he and Brittany are married in May, so that he can finish his Nursing degree.

Papaw turned 69 on September 13, hard to believe that next year he will be 70. He has survived a heart attack and a stroke. He is such a strong man and in very good health. I wish I could say your Nanny was in such good health, she is having some problems with her crone's disease. I wish the doctors could find some medication to help her more. Papaw could use a knee replacement but his doctors don't seem to think so.

Your Dad finally got hearing aides and is hearing much better. We just got word that his hips might be on the recall list, so he is going to be talking to a lawyer to see what his options are. This concerns us since they had to replace so much of his hips to begin with that if anything were to happen to him they have told him that he would not be able to have them repaired and he would be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. So if his hips are on the recall list, they could not replace them, one he could not stand another surgery at this time and there is not enough hip there to hold up to surgery again. We will have to wait to see what happens.

We love and miss you so much and hope that you will come back into our lives sometime soon. Until then, take care and know that we do love you!! God Bless you and keep you well!!

Love,

Mom

Earthquakes

Dear Beth,

Been thinking of you a lot since last night's earthquakes hit the area around Trinidad. Wondering if you are okay? I hope that you are safe and there is no damage to where you are living. I hope that you did not get to frightened by the shaking, I know how you were when you were little about things like lightening and thunder and loud noises so I can imagine how the earthquake would have affected you.

I also heard that you have returned to school, I am so please to get this news. I hope you do well and get your degree. You deserve to go far and get ahead. I only want my children to do better with their lives than I ever did.

I also wonder how your wedding plans are going. I wish we could be planning this together. This should be something a mother and daughter should be enjoying together. I also know that right now you need to be spreading your wings and creating your own life, so I am trying my best to respect that, but I am not happy about it. I ache each and every day to have you in my life again, you are my only daughter and I miss you with every breathe. I love you dearly and wish we could work this out. I hope one day you will forgive all the hurtful words and feelings and move on with life and come back to loving us and allowing to be a part of your life again. Until then I must remember I LOVE YOU WITH EACH PASSING MOMEMT NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS!!

God Bless You, I love you and Always Will,
Mom

50 Years of Marriage

Dear Elizabeth,

Just a few days ago on August 12, we celebrated with your grandparents as they marked their 50th wedding anniversary!! What a great accomplishment to witness!! I only wish you could have been here to be a part of the celebration. Your aunts and I planned for a year to throw them a surprise party. On Saturday, August 13, we managed to pull off that surprise and throw them a wonderful party. We had family from California, Mississippi, Louisiana and the western slope of Colorado. We also had friends from all over Colorado and some from Montana, friends that your Nanny and Papaw had not seen in several years.

It was a wonderful time, so many friends and so much family. All your cousins, only Jonathan was away, he had to return to college. Of course the only downside from our family was you were not there!! There was a huge empty spot without you! One of the presents we gave Nanny and Papaw was a family picture, one without you in it.

As you can see the picture is very nice, but without you there it just is not complete. I hope one day very soon, we can take another photo to replace this one on Nanny and Papaw's wall.

I also want to share some really good personal news with you, I have lost 50 pounds!! I have surpassed one goal and I am only 20 pounds from my second goal. I plan to meet that second goal by Christmas. For the party I bought a new outfit of shorts and a new shirt, two sizes smaller! Everyone has said they can see how much I have lost and that I look really good. I can see it when I look at pictures from the past and when I put on clothes. I am feeling much better and liking it a lot.

I hope and pray that you are doing well and that soon we are reunited!! I love and miss you so much!!

Love and Miss you Lots!

Mom

Welcome Nicole Leiann

Elizabeth,

Thinking of you today as I posted to the family blog about Nicole's birth, how I know you would love her. You so love babies! She is beautiful, she was born on July 17th, to Aunt T and Uncle Mike. Her poor little head was bruised and scrapped up due to the suction the doctors had to use to get her out but it is healing fast. They have found that she has another small problem, her vaginal area has closed with some tissue and now they must go to a urologist to see if medication or a small surgical procedure must be done. We are all praying for a good outcome. I wish you could see and hold her, maybe one day! For now I will post a picture here and will post others as she grows so that you will see them one day. I hope all is good with you, I love you and pray for you often! Miss you lots!!

Love,

Mom

Remembering DC

Dear Elizabeth,

Thinking of you today as I remembered what we were doing three years ago. Thinking of the trip to Washington DC and the parade, watching you and Ben with the band, coming down Constitution Avenue between the White House and the Washington Monument. I was so proud of both of you and all the kids that day. I know even then we were having problems but I still loved you so much and was beaming from ear to ear. My favorite picture is the one Adam took of you as you passed the Washington Monument. I was even more proud of you when the news cast used that one in their broadcast!

As we were playing games on the 4th, you were on my mind and I wish you could have been with us to enjoy the laughter. J, Brittany and Ben were here and we were having such a great time, there was just one big hole, YOU!

I hope you are happy right now and safe. I hope that when you read this you will know that I do love you and I miss you. I wish we did not have to go through this time but I know that in the long run it will help. I hope and pray it will strengthen our bond as Mother and Daughter. I love you!! God Bless and Keep you Always!!

Love,

Mom

James Graduation Party

Dear Elizabeth,

As Dad and I are preparing for J's graduation party tomorrow, I wish you were here. It won't be the same without you! Graduations should be celebrated with all the family. We are also going to be missing Aunt T, Uncle Mike, their kids and Grandpa, but more than anyone, YOU! I wish we could work all the problems out so that you could feel comfortable to be with us. Nothing matters more in this world than the love of your family. I will make sure I take pictures tomorrow and post some on here to share with you and of course there will be lots on facebook. Just remember, I love you always!!

Love,

Mom

First Letter to You

Dear Elizabeth,

Dad and I wanted to create this blog to share our thoughts with you during this time that we are apart from you. We hope one day you will find this or that we will be able to share this with you so that you can see the pain and love that we went through. We also wanted to document some of the things you missed out on being a part of, so that you might feel like you were there.

Let's start with this last weekend, we wish you could have been with us for James graduation from College America. He graduated Magna Cum Laude and was inducted into Alpha Beta Kappa Honor Society. We also got to meet Brittany's parents, Diane and Mike for the first time. They seem like very nice people. Here is a picture of us taken in front of Nanny and Papaw's house, so that you can see how handsome you brother looked in his cap and gown.




We also missed sharing Father's day with you, we made enchiladas and played cards with James, Brittany and Ben. What a fun day it was, even though it rained.

We miss you so much, it is not the same without you here to share in all the family activities. There is always a hole in our lives. The smiles in the photos do not show the pain that we all feel. I think of you every day, I can't help it, I walk by your picture all the time. I can't open my wallet that I don't see your photo. I can't walk down one hallway or the other in the house that I don't see a photo of you. There is not a day that goes by that I don't have a tear in my eye that is for you! My heart hurts all the time, you are my daughter and I love you!! No matter what has been said or what has been done, I will ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!!

Love,

Mom